The Things Art Can Say

The Things Art Can Say

I recently read an article called ‘Art is for Seeing Evil’ by Agnes Callard, an associate professor of philosophy at the University of Chicago.  She writes that in teaching her philosophy classes on subjects like death or identity, she finds she needs to include literature by such writers as Shakespeare, Tolstoy, James Joyce, Elena Ferrante in addition to philosophical texts in order to thoroughly teach on a subject. She writes:

“The situation is this: the topic of the course requires reference to something that doesn’t show up clearly outside the space of artistic fiction. My hand is forced, because without the novels my course omits something that I see as crucial to understanding death, or self-creation, or courage, or self-consciousness. I am talking about evil.”

She goes on to list all suffering as evil.

“I am using the word “evil” to encompass the whole range of negative human experience, from being wronged, to doing wrong, to sheer bad luck. “Evil” in this sense includes: hunger, fear, injury, pain, anxiety, injustice, loss, catastrophe, misunderstanding, failure, betrayal, cruelty, boredom, frustration, loneliness, despair, downfall, annihilation. This list of evils is also a list of the essential ingredients of narrative fiction.”

As a novelist and philosopher, I find on the one hand I want so much to agree with her, and to applaud her making the point that in order to talk completely about human experience, the materialist, relativist world view is incomplete, and we need to use ideas that are transcendent, such as evil. But her account is incomplete, as it emphatically discounts the good. She writes:

There is a certain noble lie that we tell students about art. I was told it, and I hear it retold often by those defending great books and humanistic education. The lie is that art is a vehicle for personal moral edification or social progress, that art aims at empathy and happiness and world peace and justice and democracy and the brotherhood of man. But those are the goods of friendship, or education, or politics, or religion—not of art. The point of art is not improved living; the point of art is precisely not to be boxed in by the sometimes exhausting and always blinkered project of leading a life. When art does transparently aim at moral guidance or social progress we dismiss it as dogmatic, pedantic and servile.

Post-modern, materialist philosophers don’t like references to the transcendent because references to the good create many problems. It points to a deity, it points to morality, it gives us too many ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’. But to say that any reference to the good in art is the equivalent of moral guidance doesn’t ring true. And it also ignores the fact that all evil indirectly makes reference to the good.

Augustine is first credited with the doctrine of privatio boni, that evil is a privation of a good, though Aquinas picked up the idea from him. He writes:

“For what is that which we call evil but the absence of good? The flesh itself being a substance, and therefore something good, of which those evils—that is, privations of the good which we call health—are accidents. Just in the same way, what are called vices in the soul are nothing but privations of natural good. And when they are cured, they are not transferred elsewhere: when they cease to exist in the healthy soul, they cannot exist anywhere else. 

Callard rightly determines we need transcendental realties to understand our experiences and to treat important questions, and saw she needed something that is still allowed to talk about metaphysics to examine them. Art and literature do just that. While I heartily agree with her claim that art reveals something important to us about evil and suffering, she still keeps one foot in the relativist world view by minimizing the role of the good. Rather than say, ‘art is for seeing the transcendent’ or ‘for seeing good and evil, beauty and horror’, she leaves out so much of the meaning and nuance of literature by minimizing the weight of the good.

Flannery O’Connor is one of the foremost modern writers to deal with the subject of evil. Her work relies on grotesque characters and violence. But for her, fiction wasn’t just for seeing evil, it was for seeing mystery. She writes in Mystery and Manners that the fundamental essence of literature is to express mystery. “The type of mind that can understand good fiction is not necessarily the educated mind, but it is at all times the kind of mind that is willing to have its sense of mystery deepened by contact with reality, and its sense of reality deepened by contact with mystery.”

O’Connor cites Joseph Conrad, whose book Heart of Darkness could readily be viewed as a work of art for ‘seeing evil’ as Callard suggests. He writes that fiction should point us to invisible, metaphysical realities.

“Conrad said that his aim as a fiction writer was to render the highest possible justice to the visible universe…It means that he subjected himself at all times to the limitations that reality imposed, but that reality for him was not simply coextensive with the visible. He was interested in rendering justice to the visible universe because it suggested an invisible one, and he explained his own intentions as a novelist in this way: ‘It is the business of fiction to embody mystery through manners, and mystery is a great embarrassment to the modern mind. The mystery is our position on earth, and the manners are those conventions which, in the hands of the artist, reveal that central mystery.’”

It seems to me that Callard errors for not recognizing the whole of the mystery of the invisible reality that the visible reality of evil points to. As Pope John Paul II writes in Salvifici Dolores,

“Man suffers on account of evil, which is a certain lack, limitation or distortion of the good. We could say that man suffers because of a good in which he does not share, from which in a certain sense he is cut off, or of which he has deprived himself. He particularly suffers when he “ought” – in the normal order of things – to have a share in this good and does not have it. Thus, in the Christian view, the reality of suffering is explained through evil, which always, in some way, refers to the good.”

Though modern philosophers have a disdain for the way ‘the good’ brings about too many ‘oughts’, I find as a tool for literary analysis, it is extremely illuminating. Take for example Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, which Callard uses to show that evil gives far more weight to a story than the good, and offers as evidence the fact that you could take the happily married Kitty and Levin out of the story, but you could never take out Anna and Vronsky. But this analysis leaves out how the good is really operating in the story. It is not just the good of the happily married couple. The main way the book references the good is that Anna suffers precisely because she perceives herself deprived of a good – that of Vronsky’s love. At the end of the book, when they are just about to be together, she feels his love is cooling, and thinks that though he will be faithful to her he will end up just being kind to her out of duty, which is unbearable to her. Her story includes the complex mystery of the whole of reality – the fruit of sin and the way it makes us turn inwards, the freedom of the will, the psychological distress we can become entrenched in when we close ourselves off from virtue.  Her desire for the good of being loved by Vronsky, and her psychological suffering from that good being withheld from her, from not sharing in it in a way that she thinks she ‘ought’ directly motivates Anna’s choice to commit suicide. To not see the way evil comes about due to a lack of her participating in a good she thinks she ought to, or to not see the mystery of how our desires can become vices when they are unconstrained, and unmoored from their relation to the good, leaves out the heart of Tolstoy’s project.

Being able to see the whole of reality is, for O’Connor, something that children do naturally. Children tend to take in the whole ‘gestalt’ of someone, their whole shape, or their integrated reality. It is this type of reality the writer is interested in. O’Connor writes about A Good Man is Hard to Find:

“A good story is literal in the same sense that a child’s drawing is literal. When a child draws, he doesn’t intend to distort but to set down exactly what he sees, and as his gaze is direct, he sees the lines that create motion. Now the lines of motion that interest the writer are usually invisible. There are lines of spiritual motion. And in this story you should be on the lookout for such things as the action of grace in the Grandmother’s soul, and not for dead bodies.”

Here she explicitly tells us that the importance of her story is ultimately about the good, which is the movement of grace in the grandmother’s soul. The evil in the story is just a vehicle to reveal it. O’Connor sees violence and evil and suffering as ways that ultimate reality breaks into our souls. She writes, “In my own stories I have found that violence is strangely capable of returning my characters to reality and preparing them to accept their moment of grace.” One could see Callard putting O’Connor’s A Good Man is Hard to Find on her syllabi as an exaggerated portrait of evil in the violence and savagery of the mistfit, and thus would have, in O’Connor’s view, missed the essential point of her story.

Callard also misses the way C.S. Lewis’s points to this reality that children apprehend, one where suffering and evil point to the good, when she quotes Lewis’s commentary on Hamlet in her essay:

“I am trying to recall attention from the things an intellectual adult notices to the things a child or a peasant notices—night, ghosts, a castle, a lobby where a man can walk four hours together, a willow-fringed brook and a sad lady drowned, a graveyard and a terrible cliff above the sea, and amidst all these a pale man in black clothes (would that our producers would ever let him appear!) with his stockings coming down, a dishevelled man whose words make us at once think of loneliness and doubt and dread, of waste and dust and emptiness, and from whose hands, or from our own, we feel the richness of heaven and earth and the comfort of human affection slipping away.”

She uses this passage to support her thesis, and cites the ‘loneliness, doubt and dread’ as Lewis essentially saying that art is for seeing evil. But she doesn’t acknowledge Lewis’s reference to the good. When he writes ‘the richness of heaven and earth and the comfort of human affection slipping away’, we see he is much closer to John Paul the Great’s view that suffering is when we feel we ‘ought’ to participate in a good and we don’t.

Essentially, Callard makes the claim that “art—real art, true art, great art—is not designed for seeing good.”  But a casual survey of literature reveals the importance of it revealing both to us. The Lord of the Rings is for seeing the evil of Mordor, yes, but it is also for seeing the good of friendship in Sam Gamgee, and for mercy and compassion in Frodo’s response to Gollum, and for beauty in the Elves. And none of these are in the story as ‘moral edification’ or ‘improved living’, they are more accurately part of the mystery of reality. What moves us about the story of the fellowship is much closer to Lewis’s description of the feeling of ‘the richness of heaven and earth and the comfort of human affection slipping away’. What makes the character of Théoden, King of Rohan, being put under a spell by Grima stay with us so acutely is not just that we are seeing evil, but feeling the familiar loss and grief we feel when we know people who are a shadow of their former selves, who suffer from being cut off from the good of being wholly themselves.

In the movie Life is Beautiful, there is no doubt we are seeing the evil of the Nazi’s extermination of the Jewish people. But what moves us, what makes the heart of the story, is the breathtaking beauty of the father’s love for his son and his willingness to sacrifice his life for him. The audience is keenly aware of the good as it ought to be, that the two of them could live in a world of where their clear love and delight in each other could reign. The good in this story isn’t moral guidance or dogmatic preaching, as Cadwell holds the good always ends up being in art. The father’s death, the Nazi’s evil, would mean nothing if this larger reality of how things should be didn’t play on our hearts and minds. Similarly, Romeo and Juliet’s death would mean nothing if we weren’t so achingly aware of what it might look like if they could partake in the good of their love.

The Death of Ivan Ilyich is listed as a book on Callard’s syllabus for her class on death, and indeed one could interpret the meaning of the book as ‘seeing the evil’ of a self-interested life, of upward mobility and power. But written just after Tolstoy’s conversion to Christianity, a more robust interpretation of the book’s aim is the reality that when suffering and the threat of death loom, something breaks into his reality and makes him change, and he turns from a meaningless life to an authentic life marked by compassion and sympathy instead of the artificial life of self-interest. In other words, he turns towards the good.

This move by Tolstoy seems to be much closer to O’Connor’s device to allow evil, or suffering, or violence, to break into our world, and bring us to a larger reality. It seems that Callard ignores this cathartic reality of so much of literature which is what makes us feel cleansed after we consume it. Whether the characters succumb to evil or rise towards the good, most of literature involves humans responding to whole mystery, the whole of reality of both, and not just simply evil. It is our own need and hunger to examine the mystery of life, and to consider how we would respond in such circumstances, and to remember ways that the reality of life felt just like that, that drives us to create art and literature and to consume it.

Callard rightly explains that our everyday intentionality often leads us to perceive only the good, towards that which is useful or leading us to our goals, and it tends to censor the bad. She writes “Art suspends our practical projects, releasing the prohibition against attending to the bad. Our ravenous consumption of badness in art reveals just how much we standardly deprive ourselves of it. We commonly praise some piece of art for its “realism”; we could fault life for its lack thereof.”

But I think a more satisfactory account of this can be found in the writings of Bernard Lonergan, S.J. In his major work, Insight: A Study in Human Understanding, Lonergan outlines his project for explaining how we come to understand or know anything. In it, consciousness moves from sense experience, to asking questions, to reflection, to arriving at an insight, which is the acquisition of real knowledge.

We can see clearly the basic outline of this movement of consciousness from sense experience to knowledge in the scientific method. But his explanation of how we arrive at an insight is perhaps most helpful because it reclaims philosophy’s access to metaphysical knowledge as well by giving us a framework for understanding transcendental insights. He writes that our experiences of art put us into contact with metaphysical realities. Because artists describe our sense world (and the better the art, the better job the artist does this), experiencing art actually puts us in the first stage of an insight – sense experience. “Art mirrors that organic functioning of sense and feeling, of intellect not as abstract formulation but as concrete insight, of judgment that is not just judgment, but that is moving into decision, free choice, responsible action.”

So while he shares Callard’s view that art suspends the practical projects of everyday life, for Lonergan it is not just because we tend to censor the bad in favor of the good in a phenomenological way, but because art takes us to that place outside of ourselves, and outside the place of thinking where biases and judgments are a barrier to understanding and knowledge. Art takes us into that pure state of sense experience that is prior to our formulations of opinions, prior to one that Lewis said was the thoughts of adult intellectuals, and in to the place of a child, drawing a picture, or seeing castles.

He echoes O’Connor’s view that the artist is trying to explain mystery through the manner in which we are in the world when he said:  “The artist establishes his insights, not by proof or verification, but by skillfully embodying them in colors and shapes, in sounds and movements, in the unfolding situations and actions of fiction. To the spontaneous joy of conscious living, there is added the spontaneous joy of free intellectual creation.”

Lonergan holds that the act of questioning puts us on the road to insight. Perhaps Callard’s questioning of why she needs literature on her syllabi to teach the whole reality of our experiences offered her the insight that we need transcendent realities to fully explain and understand our experiences. She is just held back by her rejection of the good, and thus of an integrated reality, or what O’Connor calls ‘the mystery that is the great embarrassment to the modern mind’. Even as she praises artists for trying to understand and communicate this mystery, she censors herself from the complete picture of it.

Writers don’t have that luxury. That mystery presses down on us, and drives us to write it, to explore it, and to set down exactly what we see, to draw the lines of spiritual motion that point to the invisible realities. Good art, good literature, it seems to me, is when a writer captures those realities accurately, when the essence of the good and the haunting effects of its absence are played out in their stories in ways that echo the realities of our world.

 

Something New

Something New

It has been 3 months since my ADHD diagnosis, and since then life has been – as the kids say these days – a fever dream.

I have been taking inventory of so many things. What serves me, and what doesn’t. What interests me, and what doesn’t. I am trying to learn the way my brain works. It basically feels like I dumped out the contents of my life, like you would your purse, and am putting them all back in very carefully. I’m trying to throw away the equivalents of the extra napkins, snack wrappers and receipts, and put back the favorite lipstick and an organized wallet.

I have learned that if I don’t prioritize my mental stimulation, my brain will get the dopamine hits somewhere I don’t want it to, like staying up late watching TV, so in addition to my real-life duties, I am sticking with the basics: good sleep, whole foods, less sugar, less consumption of mindless stuff. More exercise, more writing, more reading, more listening to smart people on Audible, podcasts, and YouTube while I do housework.

While these changes are simple, they make a big impact. I’ve lost weight, wake up feeling refreshed, and have a constant desire to write. My mantra has been: ‘Everything I ever wanted is on the other side of a good night of sleep’.

So many good things have come out of this, and I am very intentionally going through my days trying to attend to my duty first, and the 5,346 other things I’m interested in after that.

I have been quiet on social media while I go through this process. The really interesting thing about my diagnosis is it has made clear what parts of social media are difficult for me (and probably for lots of other people too):

  • Things are either so interesting and give such big dopamine hits on social media that I lose track of time, subscribe to a million free webinars that I don’t have time to attend, or come away thinking I really should open a farm-to-table restaurant that employs all of our friends with disabilities and send the proceeds to Reese’s Rainbow stat. While this idea is beautiful, social media generates too many of them, and so I start to lose my bearings if I am not very focused on my goals.
  • Or things are so uninteresting. I have realized how much of social media is so boring. Zero dopamine hits. I get repeated reminders of well-meaning advice that is meant for neurotypical people and is lost on me. Also, ADHD people really like to do things their own way so they don’t like it when people tell them what to do. Since social media is 76% of people giving advice, this makes for a lot of discomfort. Most of the rest of it feels like lots of ads, influencers, mixtures of influencers and ads that are trying to connect, be impactful and serve a community that is not me.

I sincerely love the community I know on Instagram that sneaks in between all this stuff. The other mothers and writers and beautiful souls help me in ways I can’t begin to count. But I know I crave an intimacy that is lost on social media because acquaintances from high school, my old boss, and my mom’s neighbor can see everything I put out and as a writer this makes me not share what I am thinking out of discretion.

All of this is to say that I am trying something new – I am starting a Substack called Chasing Logos to write about faith, growth, love, and truth, basically where God and my curiosity take me through Lent. It is free for subscribers. As most of you probably know, logos is a Greek word that means logic, knowledge, reason, word, communication, and The Word, or Jesus. I was gobsmacked when I first learned about in my college philosophy courses, so much so that I went back for my Masters and started my PhD in philosophy. Though I dropped out of my PhD program when I had my oldest and our family moved back to New Hampshire, the love of the word took on new forms in writing and learning about finding God in all things, His logos enlivening the whole world always. So chasing after it in the hopes of finding Him has been the joy of life for me. I hope it is fun. I hope it is the opposite of boring. I hope I can reveal the crazy passionate love God has for us in a new way. I would love if you can follow along and hopefully make the time spent reading and nourishing that sweet soul of yours well spent.

And I will be starting a newsletter for my wonderful subscribers here called The Joy Letter – you can subscribe over there on the left. This newsletter will be lighter than my Substack, more recipes and book recommendations, things that light up my interest and bring me joy and I can’t wait to share. I am hoping to have a chance to talk more intimately to friends and readers than I can on the world wide web. No one is more scrutinized on the web than the parents of teens (ask me how I know). So I can’t wait to reach people in their inbox, far away from the prying eyes of teenagers. 🙂

I am so excited about these new changes, and hope to get to know the community I have known on social media in a way that is much more meaningful with a lot less distraction.

Cheers friends, I hope this Lent leads you there and back again.

xoxo Katie

Remembering Maureen

11E1E695-7F7C-4F02-80CE-AB41B6CEC243It’s been a month since my sister Maureen died at the young age of 41.

She was 18 months younger than me, the seventh in our family of eight children so I can’t remember life without her. Even though we knew her death was coming it still feels like a shock. She had been hospitalized many times in the last few years for kidney infections, and she had been septic eight or nine times. It was clear over the past few years that her body was breaking down, but she so often rebounded and came home. She finally had an infection that antibiotics couldn’t beat, and she passed peacefully in her sleep on November 27.

I thought leading up to it that I knew something about grief. I lost my dad to an asthma attack/heart attack when I was 19 and my brother to MS/heart attack when I was 35. But each grief is as unique as the person you lost. So I have to learn again how to walk this road.

Part of what makes it hard this time around is that Maureen’s story is complex. She was one of five people in the world with a disease where her body didn’t respond to the hormone produced by the pseudohypoparathyroid gland, affecting her whole endocrine system. Doctors at Mass General said she was a subset case of Albright’s Syndrome.

When she was born it manifested in having short fingers and toes because her body had a hard time calcifying bones. Other than some extra hospital stays and doctor appointments, Maureen’s differences were hardly noticed in the bustle of our large family, and in the brightness of her big personality. She was fun and funny, happy, smart, and had a savant-like quality of remembering everything that anyone ever said to her, dates and addresses, and the family tree of everyone we knew. She was a lot like her Down syndrome friends in Special Olympics when it came to having an outgoing personality, sense of humor, and exuberant joy. She in so many ways prepared me to be Ronan’s mom, to be a mother to a child with Down syndrome.

Her differences were noticed by her grade school friends. Her metabolism was slow and she tended to carry extra weight, and other kids would make fun of it. We got her a Garfield t-shirt that said ‘I’m not fat, I’m totally awesome.’  She learned to repeat the line with enormous confidence. It paid off. When we were in high school, I would look across campus and seeing her bounding with joy across the lawn, stopping to talk to everyone, smiling always. “You’re Maureen’s sister?” people would ask me, always chasing the question with, “she is so awesome”. “She really is,” I would always reply.

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She loved school, and when she graduated, we were worried. What could she do now that would make her feel valued, give her purpose, let her engage with others? She worked at a day care for a while until her ability to stand all day grew weaker, and then she attended a day program with other adults with special needs, who became her best friends, her other family.

When I saw how wonderful my husband was with Maureen, how he made her laugh and how much she loved him, I knew he was a keeper.

When I got engaged, she got sicker. Her bones in her spine were collapsing on her spinal cord. She writhed in pain the first Thanksgiving my husband spent at our house, and we were all so worried until she finally had spinal surgery at Mass General.  She wore the brace she needed as she healed to my wedding shower. She was much better by the time of our wedding, and walked with a walker as a bridesmaid down the aisle.

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When I started having a family, she started having hip and knee pain. While I had three children, she had three hip replacements. After our third was born, she was in a wheel chair because the last hip replacement didn’t work. Her knobby knees started to lock at hard angles, though her face was soft and round and rosy, and her love for her nieces and nephews abounded.

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By the time our fourth child was born six years ago, Maureen was losing the ability to use her arms and hands, was bound to an electric wheel chair and required a hoyer lift to be moved, powered by my mother who took such wonderful care of her even through her own hip replacement, heart issues, and breast cancer. If Maureen was tough, she was modeling what she knew from our mother.

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As much as we desired to bring her into our life, it was harder and harder for my mom to take her out, and she started to have spasms and stomach aches that made it hard for her to get out of bed. We needed to come to her. Looking back, we can see that as her body was breaking down on the outside it was breaking down on the inside too. Her kidneys kept backing up and getting infected, and she was hospitalized often with UTIs and kidney infections. Her colon kept getting backed up and distended because it just wasn’t working anymore. She would say a Memorae every time she was uncomfortable or in pain.

Through all this, Maureen rarely complained. It didn’t even occur to her to feel sorry for herself. In the end she required a lot of care from my mom to help her stay comfortable, to readjust her in bed, to help her sit up. But she was always happy to see us, and when my mom brought her to Thanksgiving or Easter she tried hard to be part of the festivities, even though she would probably rather have been in bed.

Maureen’s adult life is exactly what doctors have in mind when they say children with special needs might be a burden. They might suffer. But if you ask her and my mom, they didn’t see it that way at all. We were all so thankful for every day of her life.

Maureen’s faith was like a child, and in many ways, she helped all of us keep a childlike faith. She touched everyone she met.  Not by preaching words, not by any achievements. Not by anything she did, but just by who she was, and loving others well. She exemplified 1 Corinthians 13:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Maureen’s life strengthened all of our faith. From a very young age, we had a constant counterpoint to our culture’s message that worth comes from success, advancement, achievement, beauty, wealth or power. She was one of the gang, cherished and loved for just being who she was. Her unique qualities: her belly laugh, her love of the silly, her razor-sharp wit, and her ability to navigate to a person’s heart, to what matters and always reveal so clearly what does not, made her one of the most inspiring people I will ever know. The really remarkable thing about her was that she was just always her essential self. She had none of the things that trip most of us up – ego, doubt, fear – just peace and love.

The thing that’s so hard about losing Maureen, even though I am so happy she is out of pain, and I know she is a saint, is that we’re going to miss her example. Her reminder to just be who God made you to be.

But as I hear Ronan on the monitor, waking up with giggles, I am so thankful God sent us another reminder. He knew we would need it.

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God in the Dishwasher

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^A picture of part of the holey kitchen and a toddler who keeps tipping over those trash cans

If you ask me what I needed the least with 20-month-old twins, my answer would have been a home renovation. I can think of other things that would be worse, but a home renovation would definitely be in the top five. But as a fellow human you know about those times life presents us with something hard that makes us want to shout back, no I cannot handle that right now, and proceeds to give it to us anyway despite our protests.

So it was that in February, our dishwasher motor sprung a small leak. The kind that goes for weeks without any indication it’s there, silent and menacing, and soaks your dry wall and your subfloors until they buckle and requires those emergency companies that bring in massively huge and loud fans and dehumidifiers and tear up parts of your house right before your eyes and sprays for mold. Then, after you’ve register what has become of your kitchen, you play tug of war with your insurance company on how to put it back together again. Much like being heavily pregnant, you have a distant hope that things will turn out great but also a slight fear that you’ll be in this state forever.

We decided to do it all after school got out, and live at our camp while the work got done. For the most part, we worked around the holes in our daily life, and other than having to move the trash cans so the twins didn’t dump them over and having to switch the photo shoot with the magazine I am a food columnist for to another kitchen, we survived. Turns out you can make spring pea and mint raviolis in any kitchen.

Still only 73% sure it would ever happen, we began to plan the kitchen remodel. We found a company that can reface our existing cabinets and rebuild the ones that were gutted at half the price of getting new ones and fit into our budget from the insurance company. We watched happily when the flooring company replace the wood that was ripped out so we could stop stubbing our toes where the planks were missing. We’re moving a few things around, and it’s mostly a face lift, but it’ll become the clean, well-lit space that we’ve always wanted. Even if I didn’t want it precisely right now.

Because all of our floors were being redone, we had to book movers to take out ALL of our belongings from the first floor. We scheduled them for July 2nd. The date loomed larger on the calendar as school ended, mostly because it was harder to pack with my big kids than it was because of toddler twins, a fact I hadn’t considered and did not handle well at all. Then there were the loving people who were scared for me. I must have had eight conversations with friends and family that went like this:

Them: You have to take out everything? Me: Yup.

Them: Really? Even the fridge and the stove? Me: Yes, everything.

Them: Even the pantry shelves? Me: Yes, the pantry shelves stand on the floor they need to refinish. Ergo…

By the middle of June, I was having heart palpitations at the thought of having to pack up everything (everything? Yes everything) over the next two weeks, including the pantry, fridge, freezer and those clutter corners of our home that had grown since we had twins. I was simultaneously terrified but also ashamed of my stress and panic since it would all be ok. Our kitchen and floors will end up beautiful! At least we can go to the lake while it all got done! Still the amount of work paralyzed me. The kitchen is like the heartbeat of a family and it felt a bit like open heart surgery on our home.

I generally like to operate with a pretty strong center of peace, and I disliked that I was losing mine. Especially when I was interrupted from my goal of packing while toddlers slept by fighting grade schoolers. But where I erred was in thinking that something like a leak in the dishwasher, and the stress of a renovation, is something outside God’s domain. That something so earthly and busy and has so many pragmatics is in the material realm isn’t the stuff of God. But he wants all of us, including our stress and holey kitchens and leaky dishwashers, so he can give us good things. When the tsunami of life’s anxiety hits, he’s waiting in it. For us to attend to him, instead of it.

When I remembered this, my perspective changed. Those little people keeping me from my work were who all of this was for. Because God wants to give them good things too.

I focused just on what I could do each day to dismantle our busy house, and surprise, rediscovered that staying in the present brings peace. I also realized how therapeutic it can be to scrub out the molasses from the upper cupboard shelf and the melted popsicle in the bottom of the freezer. To sweep up the mess that’s been living under the couch since you last looked for the remote in 2017. I stopped dreading the amount of work and instead embraced things moving from the realm of chaos into order. I had watched the Konmarie show on Netflix like the rest of the world and really wanted to do what they were doing but I didn’t ever think I had the time. Well guess what a leak in your dishwasher will give you? FORCED Konmari-ing. Which ends up feeling pretty liberating.

On moving day, my husband took all the kids up north, and I worked with the movers all day to clean out everything (everything?) even the pantry shelves. As a food writer and blogger I am quite devoted to these pantry shelves, and I often write about the benefits of a well-stocked pantry for easy meal planning. There are no benefits to a well-stocked pantry when it comes to moving, however.

As much as I resisted having to do it, when it was happening there was such a sense of relief that these messes were leaving us, being dealt with, that they would be replaced with order and calm. When we move back in at the end of July, there will be shiny floors and a bright kitchen. As I was cleaning, I had this nagging feeling that God wanted this all for us even if I didn’t want it myself right now. And not just the shiny kitchen. He wanted me to be forced to clean up the messes. And while I’m sure there’s a metaphor there about how he wants to do this to our souls, to scour out grime and filth and leave beauty and order, I had the distinct sense that he wanted this for our physical space too.

After almost 10 hours of hauling and cleaning and pitching, I pulled away from the empty rooms, and drove up to the lake house with six sleeping children and a husband holding a cold beer for me, my heart overflowing with gratitude for all these gifts he keeps giving us. I’ll return in a few weeks and help the movers put everything back, but in the meantime we’re enjoying slow summer time with each other, which God probably knew we needed too. And when I go back to set up the home he’s so generously given to us, he’ll be right there in the middle of all of it, and I’ll keep telling him thank you.

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A Life’s Work

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It’s my birthday this Saturday, and we’re celebrating by having pretty much my dream day: my husband and kids and I will take a ferry to an island off of Portland, ME, where my best friend is renting a big house with her new husband and baby. We’ll sit and watch the ocean from rocking chairs or hammocks, get lobsters for dinner from a lobsterman on the island (if you’ve read my novel the Wideness of the Sea you’ll know how close all these things are to my heart), drink wine, play games with the kids, and drift off to sleep with the sound of a clinking harbor bell off in the distance, the salty breeze of the ocean drifting in.

Like I said, a perfect day.

I tend to get reflective around my birthday, and it occurred to me that right now, in this very spot in life, as I roll into my 43rd year and roll out of another year of school for the kids, will be one of those times that I’ll look back on and wonder how did I do all that? Six kids, TWO nineteen month old boys, a marriage I try hard to make strong and a husband who I love spending time with, a dog and a cat, a writing life full of deadlines for short projects and bigger projects that whisper to me all the time, stacks of books I want to read, and dinner every night.

And then it hits me: is this a great life or what?

I know from the number of people who say to me ‘Oh my gosh, six kids! Better you than me’ that its not a life many people would choose. It sounds hard. It sounds like too much responsibility. Too much life to give up.

But I owe it to anyone out there who is wondering if they could do big family life to tell them that the world has it so wrong. Laying down your life for other people sets you free. 

Definitely not in the day to day, hour by hour, is-it-almost-bedtime-yet sense of being free. On this level, it’s super hard, and there is a lot of work that needs to get done everyday and a lot to manage. I’m in a season where I rarely get to do what I want (and I tend to compensate by staying up too late one night a week and walk around tired the next day because I just need that one chunk of time alone.) There is effort. There is self-sacrifice. There are always piles of dishes and laundry. And I am v v grateful that my husband does all these things with me.

But when I wonder about how to bring goodness into the world and what I could do with my life that has the most meaning, there is this intense peace about caring for all these beautiful souls. And they will leave and have families and hopefully bring love and joy to the world. Each one of my kids could be a life’s work that I was proud of, and I get to multiply that feeling by six.

And here’s the thing: in filling up my plate so full, everything unnecessary has had to get removed from my life, so that only what’s necessary remains. It’s simple, its pure, and while it’s not easy, it is a very light burden. Because all that remains is to love and be loved. And somewhere deep in our hearts that is what we are wired for. That’s what we were created to do. And I get to do it every day.

I often think it’s a bit like breathing, like inhaling and exhaling. I feed people, I go for a run, feed people, run kids to sports, make dinner, do the power hour with the babies where we do baths, diapers, jammies, bottle and bed. I read a book with my six year old, and I chat with my big kids about their lives. And then I fall in to bed, exhausted, knowing that the babies will be up early and we’ll do it all over again. But in between all these activities, there are these moments. A hug, a kiss, a smile, a giggle, a laugh, a discovery, a song, a dance party, a tickle session. And I know that these are the moments I will treasure in my heart forever, like on-my-death-bed montage playing in my head of these memories and I’ll think, I’d do it all again. Just like that. It was perfect. 

And I know from spending a nanosecond in the media that this life sounds horrible to many people. But one book read, one meal, one interaction with my kids, means more to me than any accolade. Sure they are shiny and they catch my attention. Sure I would love to have more time to work. But this loving and being loved business? Man. Nothing is quite like it.

I think we’re at a very interesting point in history where women can do whatever they want. And that is as it should be. Women are such a gift to the world. Men are too. I just hope that women and men who are coming down the pike know that of all the things they could do, one of the choices available to them is to fall crazy madly in love with people, and live together with them in chaos and noise and clutter and messes and joy. Lots and lots of joy. And that this choice isn’t crazy. It shouldn’t be laid down too casually or rejected too easily. It actually might be the best thing they could ever have done with their lives. Sure you might be broke at the end, but only if you measure what’s not important. If you measure what’s important, you’re cup runneth over.

Thoughts on Mother’s Day

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I just left the Kindergartener’s Mother’s Day tea with my 6 year-old son and it was as adorable as it sounds. I got to thinking a lot about being a mom on the way home and I mostly thought about what a gift my kids are to me. I am keenly aware of the relationships around me that can’t celebrate all the good that this bond should be, either through death, or brokenness, or distance. But it is also my best friend’s first Mother’s Day with her 7 month-old daughter, and I know the road that led to her and it’s paved with heartache and hope and the power of love, just like all the best stories. When I think about her experiencing such a powerful relationship for the first time, I think about what it has taught me over the last 13 years. Here’s the highlight reel.81933D4A-01D4-4A93-92DF-640B31001F89

Learn to forgive yourself.  You will always fall a little or a lot short of showing them the love you want them to know. This is because it’s really, really hard to take care of a human being while you already have to take care of yourself. You will regularly have to choose between going to the bathroom or changing a diaper, feeding your growling stomache or the starving beast having a meltdown, dealing with your own fever/stomach flu/worry/hormone swings or any other discomfort a human can feel and helping them with theirs. This is the trickiest business of motherhood. And it makes us short-tempered and crabby at times. Also, you aren’t perfect and you never will be, so there is a lot of room for self-doubt and uncertainty to creep in. Every time it does, ask yourself, ‘Are you doing the best you can?’ and  ‘Do they know they are deeply loved?’. If the answer to those two questions is yes, you are succeeding. Remind yourself of this often.

Hold them closely and loosely at the same time. You want to squeeze them and breath in their smell after a bath, and kiss the sweet baby cheeks when they fall asleep on your shoulder. But motherhood is at its essence being one with another person and then losing them, little by little, every moment since birth. Every step of independence is leading to them leaving you, and you have to both mourn each loss while cheering them on with every ounce of your being. It’s not for the faint of heart.

You shouldn’t be their whole world and they shouldn’t be yours.  It’s tempting! I know. And there are times when they are. But every time you go out to book club or take a job or a class or go for a run, you are actually expanding their world because you will come back filled up, refreshed, or wiser. The stronger you are and the more you invest in yourself, the stronger their mother will beAll women lose themselves in motherhood at times. You get capsized by newborns and different ages and stages. But after a while, you have to find your newer, wiser, changed self again, and doing this is hard work. It’s easier not to. But your kids will be immensely better off if you do. And keep your marriage a priority, as much as it’s in your control. Showing your husband and your kids that your relationship with your husband comes first gives the family so much stability.

Keep the end in mind. This phrase is actually one of Stephen Covey’s habits in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. There is a lot of wisdom for moms in this book that is usually read for succeeding in business. In it he has what he calls the ‘Maturity Continuum’, and he places all 7 of the habits on the continuum from dependence to independence to interdependence. You are a highly effective person and family if you are interdependent. (To read more about the habits, go here or better yet read the book.) But this habit helps me immensely, from disciplining, to shaping them as people, to talking about problems in the world and death and going to Heaven. And not sweating the small stuff along the way.

Help them to see who they really are. When Oprah interviewed Ralph Lauren’s family, his wife Rickie said this was her main goal as a mom, and it just stuck with me. Being a mirror for them, helping them to really know themselves, seemed like such a beautiful thing. To me, this involves a lot of pointing out moments they were at their best, qualities they have that are unique to them that are wonderful like their laugh or their sense of humor. It’s playing them videos of when they were little and talking about the memories I have of them. It’s saving all of their special artwork and awards through the years in their own special file box that they can look through whenever they want. It also involves talking about actions that don’t display their best self, like fighting or being selfish or gloating. ‘You’re better than that’ is a powerful statement that validates who they really are while pointing out bad behavior.

Trust your instincts. All the great artists do. Plus Dr. Sears or Ferber or the nurse who lives next door won’t ever parent your child. Only you will.

The dishes and laundry and housework will never be done, but their childhood will. Prioritize accordingly.

Fellow moms – what would you add to this list? Leave your thoughts in the comments as I am sure my friend will love to read them. Happy Mother’s Day!

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All At Once

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All at once, the snow is gone. And the trees have tiny pointed buds on them in deep colors. And the temperature is warm enough to make a winter jacket a burden. The birds are singing in the morning, the sweetest song, seemingly just for us. It all feels like a surprise, like my first spring ever.

The babies stare out the windows for hours. What used to be all white all the time is all at once colors and light and the flicker of birds and chipmunks and squirrels. They toddle over to their fleece snowsuits and pull. They want to go outside. And when I buckle them into their stroller, their eyes are wide and excited and the corners of their mouth are turned up in a smile.

All at once the air is so fresh. Our dog has taken to running away in the mornings, breaking through the invisible fence, because suddenly the smells are so strong and tempting and new that he just doesn’t care about getting electrocuted. It’s terribly inconvenient and yet completely understandable. Spring has sprung.

All at once the streams have thawed and bubble happily next to the road, so that I turn the stroller for the babies to watch. I wish I could record the sound of the water gently gurgling over the stones since for some reason it makes me so happy and peaceful.

It happened so fast – the end of winter and the start of spring – that it feels surprising, shocking even. Of course we knew spring would come, in our minds, on our calendars. But being in it, inside spring when the earth is gently waking up, is something else.

I know part of my awe this year is seeing it through my children’s eyes. The babies didn’t even remember the sun. The warmth of it, or the feel of the breeze across their skin. They lean forward in the stroller, eyes wide, taking it all in. Taking in the earth and the sky and the trees and the brook and the birds and the sun. They don’t make a peep, and they sit very still. Like it could all disappear again on them and they don’t want to miss it.

The big kids come home and throw down their bags and hop on their bike, or take a stick and push it into the soft earth or the streams that run around our house. Every other driveway on our street has a kid shooting baskets, the staccato rhythm of the ball bouncing blends into our afternoons. The sound of giggling laughter as kids jump on trampolines is so sweet I think it might be the path to world peace.

My children have dug through their summer clothes and pulled out their shorts and flip flops. They put Alexa in the basket on their bike so they have music when they stay inside the wifi zone. So they go back and forth in front of our house, singing while they ride, the wind blowing their hair back, which is basically the same thing as flying.

The sweetness of this moment is knowing what we’ve just come from: frozen tundra. Air so cold it hurts. Chapped lips and hands and cheeks. And knowing what we are still facing: scorching hot days, where babies will sweat taking our walk, and I will beg for air conditioning and cold water when we’re done. The sun will beat down and the grass will wither and scorch, and bugs will annoy us more than the heat. Going outside will become the same quick dash to the car that winter was, and we’ll try to get away from the elements instead of sinking into them.

But not now. All at once, going outside is like a siren song, like getting kissed by Mother Nature. So we’ll obey, and go outside, and linger in the soft sounds and the sweet smells of spring.

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The Gift of Story

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Hi there? How’s your February going? Are you in a Polar Vortex/cabin fevor region? If you’re anything like me, one of the things getting you through it is the Gift of Story.

This winter I’m relying on Netflix (preferably on the treadmill) and playing smart things on my phone like Podcasts and Audible. It’s actually a little shocking how much I depend on these things. They are the salt of my days, adding flavor to everything else.

My gratitude for stories that transport me away from frozen temperatures and teething toddlers is much like the gratitude I have for oxygen and our daily bread. It’s my m.o. for getting through hard things, like moving in the 5thgrade, (and 7th, and 10th), grieving my dad and my brother, having twins, winter. The power of story is universal, and I love knowing I’m not alone in needed this escape. As I work on my current novel, I am again reminded of how essential it is as an adult to still spend some time in the world of make believe. The details that take us out of ourselves, pull us from our navel gazing and dryness and fill us with a spark, with hope, with resilience. My hunger for this is not unique, and I am always curious about other people who hunger for it too. Those kindred souls who are fascinated by the human spirit and amazed at the ways in which it finds expression.

The philosopher Lonergan wrote that art is essential to our human experience because it takes us out of ourselves, pulls us out of our pain, confusion, and monotony and allows us to observe another’s experience. This becomes cathartic since we can process our own thoughts and feelings by observing the events in a movie, an opera, a painting, a novel. Have you ever left a movie feeling very light? Or noticed that when the curtains closed at the end of the final act of a show you felt – free? That’s because art liberates us, frees us, and gives us insights into the big picture of our own lives.

The year the twins were born, I survived by watching Game of Thrones and the first four seasons of The Walking Dead. Before they were born I thought these series were too violent. Then I was pulled out of bed at 1, and 3, and 4:30, which felt pretty violent too. Of course, the power of story and good writing is what makes these shows so successful. If I had to be awake, at least I could find out what Cersei was scheming or how Rick Grime would out-smart and out-heart his latest nemesis.  It helped to watch shows that were intense because what I was living felt intense, even if I still had to fast forward through the gratuitous nudity and everything around Theon being tortured.

When I started sleeping through the night, I stopped watching The Walking Dead. But as soon as the twins started teething and we were all getting bad sleep again, wouldn’t you know I gravitated towards it again. I’m currently in Season 5, which should take us nicely through Michael’s molars.

When more scandals in the Catholic church were announced last year, and the hurt and heartache were so hard to bear, my family went up north and we watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and there was so much consolation from that story. Things that are so hard to understand – why people do evil, why even good people can disappoint us, and how the power of a tiny yes can bring great big things to bear – played out in another world. That cathartic power was at work and helped me process it.

If I am by some accounts a privileged white woman (though I don’t really buy into that way of describing people at all), and I depend on story for survival, how much more do those who live with oppression need it? Girls in Africa, boys in India, mothers in Mexico, fathers in Pakistan. I want to know their stories and see their experiences through their eyes, and my hope is that by discovering the power of story, they will be able to tell it. The reality is life is hard for all of us, some more than others, and compassion is our best tool to face the challenges of life. Stories help us develop that compassion.

One of the best things I discovered recently through Jenna’s blog at Call Her Happy is a link to the books that women in the Chicago prison system have requested. It’s on Amazon and when you look at the titles you see the hunger of human spirit for story, for healing, for peace. I was so moved to help get some of those books in their hands. I hope you will be too.

I recently finished Becoming Mrs. Lewis, a very well-written account of how the novelist and poet Joy Davidman got to know C.S. Lewis through letters, where they poured out their stories of writing and converting to Christianity. The book showed how she influenced his writing by helping him flesh out his ideas. I had read most of his books, and it was so interesting to go from the idea of the book, to their conversations about it, to what it would finally become. But what bonded them most was the power of story, and the make believe place we all have in our imaginations, whether it is a snowy forrest, or in Joy’s case, a beautiful garden. I took a lot of inspiration from her writing poetry in the hardest days of motherhood.

What are the stories that are moving you right now? I would love to hear about them. And if you are in one of the difficult parts of your own story, hang in there. It gets better. The great stories are always about redemption.

 

 

The Midspace Summer

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When the school bus pulled away from my house last Tuesday morning and took away my four oldest kids, you could feel the vacuum of their energy leaving the house. In many ways it had been a hard summer, with many different needs happening for everyone in our family. But it was also a really good summer, and one I’m going to remember.

This summer I tested a theory. If I signed up my kids for nothing, made zero commitments to getting our twins in and out of a car to take them to something that would stimulate them from the outside, they would be able to get bored.

And if they got bored, they might have to listen to their insides.

And if they listened to their insides, their own mental chatter, they might have a glimmer of who they really are, and be able to sit with that person. They might actually engage with their insides long enough so that for the rest of their life, they would have a memory of who they really are.

I think a lot of moms instinctually try to do this, to slow their kids down. The world moves so fast. I remember listening to the writer Anna Quindlin years ago talk about kids, and how they need to stare off into the midspace sometimes. They need to be free enough to let their mind wander to know what it tends to wander towards.

Of course my kids got bored and wanted to watch TV. But we had all screens off policy between 9:30 am-5:30 pm. Inside these hours you could read, play games, play outside, anything but fight with your siblings or watch a screen. Halfway through I signed up three of them for the local soccer camp. On most days I had an outing – the pool, the beach if I had a sitter for the babies, a movie, a shopping trip, going to a museum or nature center – that would take up some of the day. But the rest of the time it was choose your own adventure.

Here’s what we learned: Lucy really likes music and loves to make slime. Sophie can whip up blueberry cobbler, brownies or pancakes on a whim and is in that chrysalis-like season where she is starting to leave girlhood behind in moments and in others cling to it. Her own type of midspace. RJ has encyclopedic knowledge about sports and is beyond passionate about airplanes and flying them and learning about geography. He had his first flying lesson for his birthday, and even his 5-year-old brother knows that his favorite overnight flight is Dubai to LA on his flight simulator app. And Andrew got to marinate in that summer before Kindergarten, where he can be a cop one minute and a rock star the next. Where books are enormous windows to another world and into their minds. And he fell in love with nature so much we are now the proud owners of an ant farm and an aquarium.

Here’s what else we learned: Like most kids, mine have a lot of energy and it needs to be directed somewhere. This experiment was actually really hard, and I will likely throw in a little more structure next year. I put in forced reading time for everyone when ever it got too hard (for me too!) which did help to get the kids hooked on books (see what boredom can do!). I was crawling to the finish line of the start of school because I was so depleted directing all that energy. Particularly when babies woke up at 6 and big kids wanted to stay up until 10. Minus the 10 hours a week I had a baby sitter to write and breath and run, I was on 16 hours a day.

I thought about when I was a kid, and how mothers weren’t in charge of directing that energy. Kids directed it outside, with friends. We could ride around the neighborhood at any given time and find kids to play with. We would hover over bridges dropping sticks for fun, swing a rope over the Itty Pitty, play hide and seat, and generally create universes out of our tiny wills that were fascinating. Now, kids are booked. They are really structured and have a lot of camps and activities.  And I get it. Kids have a lot of energy. Channel away, fellow parents. But I can’t help feeling nostalgic about our roving bands of free-range kids and wishing our kids could have a taste of that because it was awesome.

Still, we all have to bloom where we’re planted. And they did in so many ways. Sometimes they got on their bikes and got lucky, and found a friend at home. Often they played with their baby brothers. Each of them will have major memories of the twins as babies because we went slow enough that we had a lot of time to play with them. That was the highlight of summer. The year of the babies was entertaining for everyone. And the best parts were when the big kids actually played with each other. Dance parties, and pretend school, and hide and seek and baseball in the back yard.

I recently read an accomplished photographer describe their style of photography, and in it they said that most of their work is done by instinct. It got me thinking that maybe parenthood is like that. The next few challenges or choices I was faced with, I tried to pay attention to what my instincts were telling me. And you know what? It works. Except for that detour with the ant farm (instincts, where were you on that day?), I realized that I am better at parenting when I listen to my instincts.

Like most parents I am generally winging it most of the time, and whenever I hear people who feel the need to share that their baby was exclusively nursed until 12 months (not a drop of formula!), or are eating the same thing as their parents by 10 months, I know that that parent is still trying to pretend like they have control over their child (an illusion that is really shattered after your third kid). When you are not parenting by outside scripts of success, and you are listening to what your instincts are telling you, you tend to instantly prioritize. You tend to ask yourself, “do my kids feel loved? Have I made eye contact? Have I uttered words of affirmation? Have I nipped that bad habit in the bud?” Then, if all those things are for the most part happening, and you leave the house and everyone has shoes on, you know you are #winning.

More than that, you know that each one of your kids is a totally different person, who needs to be treated individually, and who will go off and do all kinds of amazing things without you. I hope they don’t do those things because of a race to keep up with peers, or because of forced expectations. I want them to be called to them. And in order for that to happen they have to be able to know what it’s like hear a call. They need silence and quiet. Stillness and space. And they had plenty this summer.

So I am trying to give my kids opportunities to listen to their voices, to their instincts. To even just recognize them. It means I have to slow down – so I am not rushing them, so I can ask them questions that help them tune into their instincts. To have the space so that they can solve problems on their own.

This summer’s slow speed let me cultivate things in my kids’ hearts. Character building, perspective building, confidence building. Was it in between putting out fights and cleaning up messes? You bet. Did I yell sometimes? Double yes. But it was worth it. I’m hoping to hang on to this lesson as we navigate the rapids of our fall schedule, which with four kids committed to sports is non-stop.

And while I am rejoicing that the school bus now comes to my house every morning, and that they’ll be tired enough to go to bed at 8 (praise hands), I can still remember watching them swim in the ocean on our last night of summer, and feeling like I deep down knew them all, and had snapshots of who they are at these ages. I thought about how we spent this slow summer, and I my instincts said, yup. That’s just what we needed.

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Watering Your Roots

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There is this unfortunate thing that happens when you are the proprietor of a bed of lettuce and summer hands you a string of hot, sunny days.

They start to bolt.

This means they grow straight up into the air, with leaves that are tough and bitter, as opposed to growing more tender leaves around the base that are good for eating and harvesting.

The only way to protect them from bolting is to water them faithfully, particularly during hot days. Which I couldn’t do when we were traveling.

Even though this summer has had so much sweetness – babies swimming! Big kids around! Visiting family near Lake Winnepesaukee, and then splashing in the rivers near our condo in the White Mountains near North Conway, NH. Slow lazy mornings and fun evenings at the pool, with lots of fresh fruit and veggies and enough hot dogs and s’mores to make kids happy – I still had to admit that I knew how those lettuce plants felt in the heat of the summer sun.  When we got home and saw that they had bolted, I mourned the loss tender romaine and butter leaves at the ready for salads and sandwiches. But I realized this phenomenon was a great way to describe how moms of kids in the summer might be feeling too. Lots of hot sunny days and not enough time to water our roots can make our leaves tough and bitter, too.

My mantra this first year of having twins is to be aware that my life has fallen into a black hole temporarily, and be gentle on yourself. But I am not good at stagnating. Like, at all. I have to be growing in some area to feel alive. Having new experiences – travel, food, writing, learning – are easy ways to grow. But not easy when you have twin babies.

I was most definitely bolting.

So I quickly took stock. My husband and I decided to cancel our upcoming trip to Pemaquid, Maine. It’s where my novel was set, where we feel very alive with the wild ocean and fresh seafood. Instead we stayed home, cleaned out our attic before our new au pair arrives in a few weeks (hallelujah). It felt so good to throw away bags of things we didn’t need, and I felt my stress falling off of me as stuff got hauled away. It wasn’t traveling and experiencing new things, but instead putting my life in order, that brought me happiness and peace.

Likewise, I trimmed back the overgrowth in our front yard when the babies napped and weeded all of our beds with my kids. When the babies woke up, we set their circles of neglect in the shade, where they watched us bend up and down with so much curiosity they barely made a peep. Somehow all that hard work made me feel…better. Calmer. Less veering out of control-y.

I made plans with my best friend from college to meet at Mass at BC with the babies while the big kids went camping with their dad (who would make an excellent professional nature guide if he wasn’t so good at his current job. If you see Rob, ask him to tell you about the bears). Being on campus connected me to my 20 year old self in unexpected ways and reminded me, even though my current life was heavy and my roots were thirsty, I had lived other lives, had been in rich soil which helped me grow. That there were seasons in life, and a growing season would come again.

I hired a sitter for a day not so I could work or entertain my older kids, but just so my best friend and I could spend the day relaxing and talking and eating, which filled me up in so many ways. I am so thankful for her friendship and her driving out here to water the roots of it.

I started a 30 Day Health Program with Isagenix. It’s worked for me in the past, and I was waiting to stop nursing to start. For the last two weeks, I’ve worked out with my oldest son who is getting ready for football conditioning in a few weeks. Turns out he is the best workout buddy as he motivates me on the days I am not feeling it and vice versa. It feels like next-level parenting to multi-task excercise with him. Our jumping around also elicits much wide-eyed starting from the babies as they sit on the rug next to us.

After my PMDD came roaring back a few months ago, I knew I had to do something, since it made me jittery and snappy with my husband and kids. It is like having depression and anxiety for the ten days before your period, and it made me so sympathetic to those that have it all the time. Stress tends to exacerbate it. I researched the nutrition I needed to battle these hormone issues (read: I watched a lot of YouTube videos made by women who have it). This 5-HTP supplement is ahh-mazing for PMS/PMDD, especially with 1 gram of melatonin during the last two weeks of your cycle, since together they increase your brain’s serotonin levels naturally. And so is this one since it helps to break down the excessive amount of Estrogen that triggers most of the symptoms. If you think you fit the profile for having PMDD or other hormone related issues, these have helped me so much I wanted to share in case they can help someone else. Please research their use if they sound like they could help you. One thing to know is that it is really important to just use the 5-HTP + melatonin for just the last two weeks of your cycle so your body still produces them on its own, and don’t use it if you are on any SSRI’s. I am only one month in, but so thankful for the results. It’s eliminated my PMDD symptoms by almost 90%. In other words, while I used to feel like the Dementors in Harry Pottery were sucking my face, now I feel like myself. (Please be kind to judging this info as it feels very hard to share but I am doing it in case anyone else has those dementors in their life. It sucks.)

I finally mapped out the novel that was knocking on my brain and started to research it. Now it gets chewed on all day while I am rocking babies and folding laundry, and I dive in writing when I have a sitter. I’m thrilled and excited to be writing fiction again.  And I picked up Kristin Lavransdatter again on our trip and can’t put it down. I feel lost and adrift if I am not reading a good book, and consequently feel solid and found when I am. Writing and reading aren’t just watering my roots, they’re adding  nourishment to my soil. (Side note/mildly funny story: Last week I was in front of the row of books at Target with the twins in my 2 (!) carts. A group of older ladies walked by and one of them said, ‘Oh dear, you don’t have time to read with those babies do you?’ I just stared wide-eyed and said, ‘the babies make me need to read more’! I love when people refer to reading as self-care, because its true.)

I tried hard to reach out to others and avoid getting isolated. I texted friends and made plans. Blueberry picking with the kids. Dinner at the pool. Dinner without kids at the new restaurant that just opened. Date nights with Rob. I brought my sister with special needs her favorite dinner at my mom’s house. My other sister met us at the fair with her kids while Rob stayed with the babies for the first time solo. (Now that I think about it, our babies have really rolled with our schedule and done so well with most of our fun outings. So thankful for their flexible natures.) Next up: taking them all to an outdoor concert with friends.

Of course, the quickest way to water our roots is to pray. A few lovely novenas felt like they dumped extra water on my roots and perked my spiritual life right up. This one to St. Anne whose feast day is tomorrow has been beautiful, and I swear it feels like taking mom vitamins since as the mother to Blessed Mother, I think she has a soft spot for mothers. (I’ve also heard great things about this book and am looking forward to reading it.)

These efforts have paid off. Little by little, I feel more like myself. Like my new leaves are more tender and soft. I know it’s a function of the babies getting older and sleeping more, and of seeking help for my health issues, but I also know that trying to proactively carve out ways to do the things that nourish my roots is essential. (Lest you read this and think any part of it says I have my act together – I had to binge a late-to-the-party Game of Thrones addiction to the very last episode just to get it out of my life.)

My time-wasting journey into GOT aside, I know that self-discipline, when you can dig down and find it, is always the best path to growth. And yours no doubt looks different then mine. Maybe it’s Weight Watchers and knitting or Work out classes at the gym and your side business that get you closer to your best self. To water your roots. Either way, finding a way to tend to each part of you – your mind, your soul, and your heart – always pays dividends. Like lettuce gardens and unruly attics and front yards, it’s often about pruning and weeding to get to order and goodness.

So these are the things that are helping me in this season. I’d love to hear about what’s helping you, since I am currently still failing at keeping my house clean and having my five year old reliably wearing matching shoes. So leave a message in the comments and let me know.

p.s. If your lettuce plants do bolt, the gardening rule is to break off the top part of the plant, and wait for cooler temperatures and they’ll start growing tender leaves again. Which as a mom sounds a lot like ‘when school starts you’ll have more time to take care of yourself and you’ll feel more balanced.’ But maybe that’s just me.